In Which Kristin Posts a Brutally Honest Prayer

So, this is actually a prayer I wrote on my 22nd birthday at church, because there was yet another black person killed by racism, and so instead of a normal church service, our congregation just prayed together. I happened upon it this evening, our first night in Chicago with Mission Year, opened my journal, and came across it. I have absolutely no idea what this next year holds for A & me, but this prayer seemed appropriate and like it needed to be posted. So here we are.

You know in my heart I still struggle with doubts about prayer. I don’t… it’s just… You know the desires of everyone’s heart. I get how it’s good to align us with Your heart, but to make any change outside of ourselves? You are a God who has told us You love justice and righteousness more than pretty much anything, and still our world is broken. Still the blood of the innocent cries out from the ground, still hatred runs rampant and flares up in fire and death on all sides. And I know people more righteous than I are praying every day for this to end, for peace to enter hearts or love to prevail or for this age of evil to just fucking end with You coming and making all things new.

And still the blood cries out. And still more evil prevails. And still we stand here in the aftermath of every new tragedy, crying out to You, “Why God? How long? How will You make us wait?”

If peace, love, & justice is already the desire of Your heart, and people purer and more righteous than I are already praying for it, then what’s the point of me praying for it? I can’t seem to bring myself to believe that it is my prayers that will convince you to do anything.

But still I pray. Still I try. Out of an acknowledgment (or maybe just the feeling) of complete helplessness. God, show everyone who is praying, like I am, for the innocent who have been hurt by hatred– God…show us what we can do.